The Dip in graph form

Hey guys, I’m passing over to Collin B, one of our awesome Project Rockstars from this year, for his thoughts on making it through The Dip in his progress throughout Rockstar.

Great post – a lot of people in the world need to heed these words, especially in those tough times when it seems like you’re not getting to where you want to be.

Jeremy Soul

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Early in Rockstar Soul taught us about a U- shaped mood curve. When you’re learning a new skill, you’re very excited at first. But as you try to implement what you’ve learned, you actually get worse results than before because you’re consciously thinking about the new information so much. At the very bottom of the curve, your mood is very low, you may question if it’s worth it, and many people quit. But once you make it through the bottom of the curve, the turning point where everything “clicks”, you start experiencing better results, the mood starts going up again. And as you move along the curve, you start feeling the excitement again, and having much more fun, which makes the curve skyrocket even higher, and at a faster rate.

This diagram that Soul shared with us has proven to be very true. Not just in game, Chase shared a similar concept when starting a new business, he called it getting through “the dip”. I can see different Rockstars at different points of the curve. Personally I have made it through the bottom of the curve when everything came together, and now when I go out I am having fun again, and my results are improving drastically every single night I go out. It’s a great place to be. What I didn’t understand is that I have been getting better and moving forward since the very beginning, even though at times I felt I was moving backwards because my results were getting worse. Really I was just progressing along the curve like I was supposed to. Now I know that this is normal and just a part of the process. You HAVE to go through the dip in order to make it work.

The problem is a lot of people don’t make it through because as they move along the curve, their mood is dropping and they are having less fun, which makes it more difficult to stay motivated. But we should realize that this drop in mood is a good thing. That means you’re making progress and you’re almost there. That means you just have to stick it out a little bit longer and you’ll make it through the bottom of the dip, everything will click, and you will start the rising portion of the curve, where you’re having a blast and feel invincible and soon your mood and results will shoot up much higher than you ever thought they could be.

In game, and in life in general, everyone seems to always be looking for a shortcut. A “magic bullet” or a pill where they just wake up one day and suddenly they are great with women. But you can’t cheat this curve. I don’t have very fond memories of being in London. I was on the first half of the curve, and it sucked. It was tough, and I was way out of my comfort zone. I was getting no results. I was experiencing painful rejections out in public in the middle of the day. I was getting humiliated at night by getting blown out repeatedly. It didn’t seem like it at the time, but this was all forward progress. I HAD to go through those painful, embarrassing moments to come out the other end a different person. There is no way around this. There is no shortcut, no trick I could have learned to get to the point where I have gotten now. The only way is to man up and go through the painful times and stay with it long enough to make it past the dip. After enough blowouts, I just stopped caring about the outcome. That’s when I started seeing flashes of the rising curve.

The reason I’m posting this is because before Rockstar I never stuck with it long enough to make it through the dip, to the fun part. I tried to make it work, but after a few harsh rejections and some uncomfortable feelings I would quit. It seemed pointless to me – I was having less fun and getting worse results, so why should I keep trying? I expected instant results and fun times. I didn’t know about the U curve.

But now looking back, I can see a few moments where I was ALMOST there, if I had just pushed through a little bit longer I would have made it to the other side. I wish I knew about this back then, because life after the dip is full of excitement and positive feelings. It’s such a liberating feeling to be able to go up and talk to any woman you want, at any time. If anyone reading this can relate, keep moving along – you’re probably almost there!

Collin

If Harold & Kumar can do it, anyone can

I wrote the title for this article because I’ve noticed there are always lots of Asian guys asking me and other Dating Coaches this question. It’s funny, no matter how many Asian Dating Coaches we have at Love Systems, the South Asian (me – I’m Sri Lankan) or East Asian guys (Mr M, Bonsai) always, always get this question.

In fact, let me share with you another related anecdote that recently irked me. We have a writer who penned a book about last year’s Project Rockstar (2009). One of the publishers he spoke to about it had a “council” of women he regularly bounced all his business endeavours off. When one of these women saw the script about a 5′5″ Asian Dating Expert (Mr M) who had been with playmates, models and beautiful women the world over, she simply would not believe it was possible and said it must be fictitious.

Honey, put Mr M in a bar with you and I give you five minutes before you’re wondering why you’re so attracted to this guy who is probably a foot shorter than you (though if he was wearing his famous height increasing shoes, that difference would be less).

Anyway, this article isn’t about all the journalist and other sceptics out there (I’ll leave that rant for another time). It’s about YOU who doubts yourself and YOU who worries that superficial things such as the colour of your skin will limit your success in life.

Let me tell you what that is: a BULLSHIT mentality. A bullshit excuse. Talking with Micha last night on the train into London (we were on our way to do some Project Rockstar training), he told me how he could tell when people were heavy drug users (Micha has a really interesting background) because they would always be making excuses about their life:

Well, this happened to me and I couldn’t help it.

I was born this way and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

I didn’t choose my proclivities/upbringing/height/colour of my skin.

All those above things may be true: there IS a lot about ourselves that we cannot change. But equally, there is a lot that we can.

In Chip and Dan Heath’s book, Switch, they talk about having a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset. People with a growth mindset are much healthier, happier people because they realise that they can grow to overcome obstacles or perceived disadvantages. People with a fixed mindset believe that they are the way they are and are limited to only a certain amount of happiness by factors beyond their control. Of course, they tend to be less happy that those with growth mindsets.

Which kind of person do you want to be?

Now, let me tell you, when I was younger, I did think my Sri Lankan heritage was a disadvantage with women. I wasn’t too interested in dating Sri Lankan girls; I always liked fair and pale skin. Yet it seemed that the only time a woman was interested in me, it was a South Asian girl.

But then I started working on myself: growing my confidence, putting myself out there, learning how to crack a few jokes and learning how to be charming. And the most important part? I actually started TRYING to meet and date a lot of non-Asian women.

Where am I at now? The lovers I’ve taken in the past few years have been East Asian (yes, I had yellow fever for a while), caucasian, Eastern European, Scandinavian (I moved to Sweden for a while, remember), Jewish, American, Australian and African. I probably haven’t dated a South Asian woman since about five years ago – not that I am against the idea (my brown sisters reading this, I may well approach you next time you are out shopping and I see that curve in the line of your body that I like, smell your sweet scent as it drifts past me, or see the way you command attention as you walk through a crowded café), I just haven’t met one in a while that I liked.

It might be Sun Tzu, or some other philosopher (I’m too hungover to verify the research right now), who talked about turning perceived disadvantages into advantages. Great people are able to do this. Mark V, one of our upcoming instructors who only has one arm, my Sri Lankan brother T, who moves on wheels rather than legs, and anyone who considers themself short/ugly/somehow genetically deficient understand what we all have to do:

Use what nature gave us, and make the most of everything we can.

I now see that my average looks, ethnicity and short stature as advantages. Why? Because that tall Swedish model in the corner of the room doesn’t see me coming (I don’t mean that in the literal sense, for all you comedians out there). She expects confidence and charm from the good-looking, investment banker in his expensive suit (alas for him, he is all too often more lacking than he thinks), but when I approach her and she hears the words come out of my mouth and looks into my eyes, something clicks in her: Who is this guy?

So to you who wrote me the following… verify your sources.

How much of a factor do you think race and ethnicity plays in pickup? Have or do you still face issues that concern your own race when you’re in-field? Do you find it easier to ‘pick-up’ girls of your own ethnic background than for example, caucasian or hispanic women?

I’m asking this now because I recently came across a source, someone who apparently attended a bootcamp of yours back in 2008, who claims you said that you ‘open’ plenty of women, but mainly manage to date girls of your own ethnic background.

I don’t mean this to sound accusatory. I’ll understand if you choose not to reply.

And if you’re looking for more specifics on the race issue, I’ll refer you to Bonsai’s great post about meeting women from different ethnic backgrounds.

Regards,

Jeremy Soul

If your love life is a stats chart, you're missing the point

I meet clients, women and journalists all the time who ask me about my “success rate” with women: how many women have I slept with, how many phone numbers can I get in a daytime dating session, can I seduce any woman I want, and am I in a serious and committed long-term relationship?

I have some fairly comprehensive answers to these questions (and look at my post on Quality Vs. Quality in Love, Sex & Relationships if you’re interested in finding out more), but really, it’s about digging at the root of what the person wants to know.  Are they looking for verification that you’re as good with women as people say you are; are they looking for a comparison point for themself; or are they looking for information to judge your character as a man?

For example, I have been with a lot of women (and I believe it to be crass to get more specific than that), but do I believe that to be an accurate reflection of what it means to be good with women? Hell no. It’s a factor, sure, but just one among many.

In the same way a business is not just numbers and profit, but about margins, revenue, employee turnover, company values, strategic goals and so on, your love life is about so much more than just the stats on the women you’ve bedded.

Don’t get me wrong – certain statistical benchmarks are helpful if you’re setting milestones for specific short-term goals. But really what you are looking for is what some call the Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals (BHAGs), or what “Switch” authors Chip and Dan Heath refer to as Black & White Goals: simple, yet mind-blowingly bigger picture goals.

For example, the one I realised that I have been chasing for years, and now, five years on from when I first started exploring dating science, I feel I have achieved is:

Never Worry about my Love Life Again.

In the same way that a wealthy man understands that money will come and go, that his business will have ups and downs, but that he will always be ok, no matter what, I feel that with the experiences, tools and strategies I’ve learned, I will always be ok in love and sex.

That to me, is a far more worthy achievement than any numerical value of how good with women I am. It’s similar to how Gary Vaynerchuk, one of my favourite business gurus, says that business is not just about making money: it’s about doing what you love, for a living, and going for the Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals, but making sure to enjoy the process. Don’t spend all your time comparing your stats with people around you; ask yourself instead, “Am I happy?”

Don’t get me wrong; I have had some crazy and debaucherous adventures and I don’t regret a single one of them. But there’s been a lot of hard work, frustration, and heartache (both that which I caused, and that which I received) along the way. You don’t get the glory without spilling some guts.

But when I get to the end of my life, I won’t say to myself, “I wish I had been with more women” or “I wish I had impressed other people more.” No. I’ll cherish the memories:

• You, who came to London and left half a year later amid tears and planes and diamond jewellery.
• You, who I called from a stripclub in Las Vegas to apologise for being a douchebag; you, who tolerated me for not being the man you needed but loved me for the man I was.
• You, who I kept at arm’s length, but who moved worlds with me when our bodies collided.
• You, who made one of the greatest international adventures I’ve ever had possible.

So gentlemen, my recommendation? Set your targets, sure. Follow your gurus and verify their credibility and what they’ve achieved. But above all, keep in mind the bigger picture, and live for the memories. They are what will stay with you for life.

Jeremy Soul

Try getting Eye Contact before you Approach

When I began my journey to become better around beautiful women, I didn’t know what to say when approaching women I didn’t know (i.e. doing a “cold approach”). Now that I’ve been at it for over five years, I’m at the point where I’m quite comfortable around beautiful women, and rarely have trouble thinking about what to say.

This “what to say” issue is less of a problem when it comes to warm approaches. A warm approach is when you meet a woman that is part of your social circle. A friend might introduce you, or she may even introduce herself to you. One advantage of warm approaches is that you don’t have to convince her that you’re normal, safe, and not creepy. Being in the same social circle provides an immediate basic comfort level.

There is also less attraction work for you to do, since good status within the social circle already gives you social value. This is opposed to cold approach, where you have to build your social value from scratch.

For years, dating experts have talked about these two kinds of approaches – cold and warm. I think this needs to be expanded. Lately, I have been working on a way to warm up cold approaches to improve my success rate. I’ve dubbed this the “lukewarm approach”.

If a beautiful woman and I are static, or walking past each other slowly, I will engage in eye contact and make it clear that her beauty moves me. I will maintain eye contact a little longer than is typically polite for a stranger to look at another person.

Then I will judge her reaction to see if she is open to an approach. If she looks back and smiles, stares straight back at me, or looks down a little bit and smiles, then I will approach. Basically, I am looking for any sign that she is pleased with me checking her out. A bad sign is when she looks up and away, almost rolling her eyes.

This way I can screen better – if I don’t get a good reaction I’m less likely to approach. Only if she is absolutely gorgeous, or if I’m looking for a challenge will I approach.  When I get a good reaction though, I always approach

Not everyone is single. This way I can filter out women that want to be approached. I waste less time speaking to women with boyfriends.

This technique can be used in all situations, but I particularly like to do this in cafés, since it’s a quiet setting. Next time you’re in a café and spot a beautiful woman, give it a try!

Happy lovin’

Jeremy Soul

This is what my workload currently looks like

I’m changing the way I blog and keep people updated via my Jeremy Soul facebook account (and at some point in the next few months, I’ll probably get into twitter properly too). I’ve become a big fan of Gary Vaynerchuk, who advocates being really passionate about your business and what you do, and expressing that fully and openly to people.

He makes a lot of good points (and I even pitched to him to be a business mentor for Project Rockstar – no dice this year, but as always, who knows what the future brings). One thing I’ve think I’ve gotten partially from him, but also kinda realised myself, is that good dating and good relationships – whether they’re with family, friends, lovers, partners, colleagues or even all you guys as readers, fans, followers and clients – require honest communication.

Writing this blog, articles, doing podcasts, interviews etc. is partly about marketing. I am trying to spread the message about what I can do and hopefully change the course of my life as well as anyone else who’s willing to listen and “join the conversation”.

But that doesn’t mean all that marketing can’t be honest and show a truly real side of me. I feel the same about seduction and dating as I do about marketing: honesty and integrity pays out in the long run. I’ve met many, many successful people in all fields of life, from dating experts to businessmen to celebrities, in the last few years. From my experiences, I’ve learned two things:

1. Having integrity can benefit your life hugely in the long run.

2. Running my business or my dating life without integrity, even if it were to bring me “success”, would not make me happy. I would hate the process.

Screwing other people over, lying, cheating and manipulating others to get a few short-term results? No, thank you.

I feel very strongly about this issue. Years ago, I felt so strongly about this that I went against the grain of almost the entire seduction industry (and in particular, a few popular seduction gurus of that time) by asserting that being direct and honest when you went to talk to women could work; in fact, that it could be better, and even more powerful than the artificial lines, pretexts and ploys that many men have historically used to meet women.

People challenged me and no one believed in the power of being direct or in the power of daytime dating. Now, I get recognised in clubs and streets all over the world by Jeremy Soul followers who cottoned on to what I was doing (and I am still a sucker for attention and praise – so do feel free to introduce yourself if you see me somewhere!) and the current in the seduction industry (and particularly within Love Systems) has shifted towards being more direct and honest. Now people believe what I believed and acted on five years ago: being a gentleman is one of the most powerful ways to enrich your love life.

If it’s true with love and sex, I believe it to be true with business as well. If you treat people well, you build potentially synergistic relationships that will continue to offer value to you in the future. If you treat people badly (or if you “act like a d*ck”), then you may get a short-term gain, but you screw yourself over in the long run.

I don’t want to get all sciencey on everyone (maybe not all of my readers are as into biology and psychology as much as I am), but this is basically the evolutionary basis for altruism (which is a fancy word for “being nice to other people”). Anyone wanting to find out more about this, check out the research done on the Prisoner’s Dilemma (wikipedia it!).

Without going into tons of detail right now (and perhaps I will in a later blog post – when it’s not 1am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning), this year so far for me has been a huge series of sucker punches and curveballs. A lot of stuff I didn’t expect to happen, happened, not least of which being my father’s health taking a sudden turn for the worse.

When that happened, and I finally found time to process the learnings over my last 3-month world tour (Europe, USA and Australia) running Daytime Dating workshops, the power of relationships and the importance of family dawned on me. The relationships we have with our parents are literally the first relationships we ever develop. Beyond a genetic link and genetic self-interest, there’s also a shared history we have with them that is very difficult for any other relationship to match.

Which brings me to another point: at the end of the day, isn’t it all about creating that history? About building memories and experiences? And ultimately, don’t those memories and experiences almost always involve other people in some way?

Look, don’t get me wrong. Money is important, status is cool, adrenaline is fun, but ultimately, whatever you’re doing, you need other people to help you do it, and whatever you end up enjoying, you want to enjoy it with other people.

I found some great notes on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People recently that said this:

We all start out life as babies completely dependent on our parents or other person to take care of us. This is a state of weakness and powerlessness.

As we grow up we work to become independent, moving out of our parent’s home, earning money for ourselves, etc. A person at this level is able to do things for himself and does not need anyone else to survive.

The greatest human achievements come from people working at the third level, interdependence. This is when people work together to achieve a common goal, and is the level of maturity of many people in a mature society or organization. This is how mankind has achieved things together that no single person could do alone. Interdependence is the state of human development of greatest maturity and power.

That had a huge impact on me. When I read that, it tallied with everything I’d learned myself in the last world tour and everything I was discovering with my family.

And this all brings me to my final point: life is too short and good relationships are too scarce to make hiding your feelings a worthwhile endeavour. Whether it’s that girl in the coffee shop (and if you’re reading this, you know who you are), that wonderful girlfriend you have back home who hasn’t seen you in months (you know how much I miss you), your best friends, your family, your son, your brother or whatever, let them know you appreciate them.

Whether it’s with a compliment that takes them by surprise, an act of kindness, support when they need it, or even just a mind-blowingly good orgasm (certainly one of my preferred ways to thank the wonderful women in my life), let them know. One day your life may take an unexpected turn and you will be glad you did.

Oh, and one last thing: realise that with the good will come the bad. Bad relationships will always happen – bad friends, bad lovers, bad colleagues and even bad family members. There will be naysayers, criticisers and those who move against you.

In the last few years, I’ve been called all kinds of things and judged by all kinds of people for who I am and what I do (one day I might post the hilarious religious hate mail I got). If you’re going to make ripples in the world, expect to irk a few people. If you do that, you know you’re making an impact and doing something right.

Learn from all of it, protect your downside, and filter all your relationships with all that you learn so you get more of the good and less of the bad.

Regards,

Jeremy Soul

I’m going to have the Rockstars for 2010 introduce themselves officially on another thread, but thought I’d post some more details of why we selected these particular Rockstars and show you their video applications here.

Those of you who want to get into Project Rockstar for next year, I would strongly advise you to take note of everything you read and see in this post.

TROY BOILEAU

Troy sent in his application nice and early. He’s young, 22, but his application was well written and showed an high level of intelligence – both the standard kind and the emotional kind. This was backed up by his writing and academic experience, which he was more than happy to provide examples of (a lot of guys sent in applications saying “I am amazing at XYZ and can do ABC” but often didn’t provide evidence for it).

When I asked him to submit a video application, his positive qualities came through even more strongly. Initially, I wondered whether there was too much self-assurance, but the rest of his video (and later his interview with me) showed me that he did actually had quite a humble perspective on life.

He’s in this for the right reasons: to grow as a person, to reap the rewards and to contribute value to others. He’s also got a good sense of humour and we’re definitely going to need a bit of that on Rockstar.

KE DIME

Being a skydiver and base jumper for a living immediately caught our attention. Delving into Ke’s application further, we saw that he had an entrepreneurial mind, evidenced by several ventures he got into as a teenager, and was driven by passion – something huge we look for in a Rockstar.

His backstory is diverse and reminded us of Starlight, one of the original Project Rockstars from 2008. Ke has been in a band before, run a skateboarding accessories company and managed an ebay storefront, among other things.

He too is young, but shows an extremely mature outlook on life and has the kind of fire we look for in a Rockstar. You only have to see his video to see the fire I’m talking about.

COLLIN WOLFF

Collin had a slight social circle connection to me already, as I’d given a Dating & Seduction talk in his apartment to a group of guys based in Chicago about a year ago. He wasn’t present for the talk, but he mentioned that it was his apartment that his friend arranged for us in his application, which made him stick out in my memory as someone who had basically done a favour for me in the past (even if I hadn’t met the guy yet) – another “connecting the dots” type story that I love, and the sort of reason why you always want to be good dude and be offering value to people.

I liked how he had taken his desire to work for himself and executed a plan to free himself from his 9-5 job. An accountant by trade, Collin reminded me a little of Aaron Patzer (also an accountant by trade), the founder of mint.com, a consumer finance website that was sold for over $200m within a space of two years of being founded.

Perhaps a little more mature, logical and even-keeled than some of the other Rockstars, I thought he would bring a good analytical balance to the team.

MARCUS MILLER

http://www.youtube.com/user/marcusmill?feature=mhw4#p/u/0/-LDJiY226aI

What better industry to be in to demonstrate passion but music? Marcus’ original application highlighted his journey from highly paid New York-based investment banker, to Brooklyn based musician and creature of passion.

Nothing gets me like a story about following a man following his dreams. After seeing the creativity, spirit, enthusiasm and warmth that came across in his video, I was sold on Marcus.

A follow-up phone interview told me that this wasn’t just a guy blowing hot air. This guy is pure, adulterated spirit.

GABRIEL ENGLE

Gabriel is another guy with a personal connection to me. I first met him on a San Francisco Day Game Workshop over a year ago. His attitude and work in-field impressed me so much that I invited him to come help out on a couple of my programs.

As I found out about his life story, I realised here was another man driven by passion. Currently a pilot for Virgin America, Gabriel is in training to be one of the pilots for Virgin Galactic, the world’s first commercial space tourism service.

We talked about Project Rockstar together and agreed that he should submit an application. I showed his video application to Whim, and we both concluded that here was a guy not just with passion, but charisma.

As we’re filming Project Rockstar professionally this year and making a documentary about it, we knew this would be a great element to have on the team, especially in front of the camera. I think Gabriel is also going to be one of those guys that helps the entire group to have fun, wherever they are and no matter what is going on.

ASTOUL KARIM LAURENT

Laurent was a latecomer to the game. His application was one of the last I reviewed, but was strong enough to catch my attention. A lot of people sent in applications fairly late, despite my original notice that applications were going to be processed on a rolling basis (and if you didn’t know what “rolling basis” meant, it’s not hard to google that shit).

Having co-founded a couple of companies and having a rich geographical background, I reasoned that he would be a mature, intelligent and balanced guy. When I jumped on the phone with him for an interview, my instincts were right.

What also stood out for me was his respect. I’m constantly telling people I meet that respect comes first to me (which is why those of you who’ve written me well-thought out, respectful emails probably got more detailed and equally respectful responses back). Laurent has this in spades.

The respect first, value second philosophy is one of the cornerstones of Social Circle Mastery. I think Laurent will take to it well.

HARRY DAYO

Harry met first met Mr M in London for a bootcamp, then fell so hard in love with everything we were doing that he decided to fly to LA to train with Braddock, Daxx and the rest of the LA crew.

The more he got involved with us, the more we realised here was a good guy who had simply been led astray by the restrictions of the culture he grew up around. Training with us showed him what was possible in terms of dating, meeting women and living rockstar lifestyles, but Harry was hungry for more.

Harry’s authenticity, relentless determination and untold generosity warmed all of us to him quickly. Within weeks he had become a part of the LA family. After meeting and training him myself in Miami, I decided that it was time for him to join Rockstar and become a part of the global family.

CHASE NGO

[Video coming soon]

I originally heard about Chase when I was crashing with Thanh Bonsai (famed for his blog www.asiandatingcoach.com) in LA earlier this year. Chase had taken a Bootcamp a few weeks’ earlier and he and Bonsai had bonded over their passions for dating, self-improvement and internet marketing. It turns out that Whim had also met Chase and spoke highly of him, so that was another plus in my book.

The more I heard about Chase, the more I wanted to meet this guy. He ended up taking a spot on my Miami Day Game Workshop. It was then that I saw that this was a guy who had a lot to teach us about business. I talked with him and pitched him on Project Rockstar; when he heard what we were offering, it was an easy decision for him to make.

TIPS FOR FUTURE ROCKSTAR APPLICANTS

Reading through these assessments and watching the videos, you guys should have a good idea of what we were looking for in Rockstars for this year.

Here are some more clues on what constituted a green flag (positive) or red flag (negative) for us.

* Anyone who had already taken a Bootcamp, Day Game Workshop or 1-on-1 training with us already was a green flag. If you claim to be serious about wanting to improve your dating life, it makes sense that you would have taken a program with us already. There are exceptions to this (for example, last year we accepted Whim on Project Rockstar, even though he hadn’t taken a program with us – however, he had done lots of dating training already by himself).
* If you said you wanted to take a program but didn’t have the money for it, that was a red flag. Although Rockstar training is free, you need to cover your own expenses for six weeks and that will typically total up to a lot more than the price of a Bootcamp.
* Anyone who had met us in person either on a training program, mini-conference, internship, or through our social circles and we liked came in with a green flag (conversely, if we thought you were a bit of a douche, red flag).
* People who seemed invested in the Love Systems brand, followed our activities (blogs, posts, newsletters etc.) and admired the quality of our work was a green flag. People who were new to us and clearly hadn’t done much research into dating and simply stumbled upon our site and threw an application together in 5 minutes was a red flag.
* People who blew a lot of smoke without fire was a red flag, i.e. if you wrote a lot of things in your application about things you could do without backing them up with evidence.
* Not being clear on your goals, or having goals that weren’t aligned with ours (e.g. if your goal was simply to become a “pick up artist” rather than striving for something more healthy and holistic in terms of improving yourself) was a red flag.
* Having specific and relevant value you could offer to the team, e.g. business expertise, social circle contacts, or technical skills (such as writing talent or web design skill) was a green flag.
* Writing a clear and well-articulated application was a huge green flag. Spelling and grammatical errors were a red flag. Even if English is not your first language, if you were really committed you could got a native English speaker to check over your application.
* Asking me or emailing me lots of questions that had already been answered on this thread or could be found on www.projectrockstarblog.com was a red flag.
* Sending me emails telling me how much you *wanted* to be on rockstar without mentioning any specific *value you could offer* to Project Rockstar was another red flag. I’m a huge believer in people earning things and not simply being given them because they “want” it (read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

WHY I’M DOING PROJECT ROCKSTAR THIS YEAR

A lot of people ask me why we do Project Rockstar and why I decided to take over leadership of it this year from its original founder, the legendary Mr M.

The core reasons are:

* It’s a shit ton of fun. Project Rockstar was probably the most fun I had in all of last year. Numerous sexcapades, spontaneous romances, teamwork, friendships and just damn cool experiences already stir my nostalgia…
* It helps us to find new talent for Love Systems, forge new friendships and expands our social circles.
* It gives us a playground to test new theories and training methods we have, so helps us to evolve everything we do and teach at Love Systems.
* It’s a great tool for publicity. This year, we’re having Project Rockstar professionally filmed and making it into a documentary.
* We all love coaching people and changing lives. Normally, we get to do it for a period of two or three days. Doing it for six weeks with the same crew of guys and seeing the ripple effects it has on their lives feels incredible.

Finally, the ripple effects Project Rockstar has on all of our lives can be astounding. Let me leave you guys with a note I wrote to last year’s Rockstars just after they got accepted onto the 2009 program. This will give you an idea of the ultimate reason why I am doing it this year.

Have a fantastic summer everyone, I’ll be in touch again soon about how you can follow the progress of this year’s Rockstars.

Dear Rockstars of 2009,

As I sit here in my central Stockholm apartment, newly decorated with black oak furniture and chrome fittings, the last rays of the Swedish summer filtering through my window, I reflect on what brought me here.

Steve Jobs once spoke at Harvard about connecting the dots. He said that sometimes the smallest of events, even those which we consider insignificant at the time, can eventually have huge impact on our lives.

I can trace back where I am now, which is a place I consider to be the happiest I’ve ever been, to a series of such events. Looking back, each of these dots was critical in making me the man I am today.

Starlight was one of last year’s Project Rockstar candidates. We got along so well that I introduced him to Eskay, a serial entrepreneur and client I had trained in Day Game several weeks prior to Rockstar.

Eskay and Starlight discovered common ideology in love, sex, romance and business. They got along so well that, together with Mr M, they took an infamous trip to Shanghai to party with some of China’s most influential businessmen and most beautiful women.

I was on tour in the USA at the time. On my return, Eskay introduced me to the founders of Spotify, the application currently changing the face of the music industry. He invited me to their launch party in Stockholm and gave me a couple of extra invites.

I invited Rokker, our Swedish based instructor and an old friend of his, Maximilian. The party was legendary. A few months later, I found out Maximilian had a spare room to rent in Stockholm. I decided to come visit and see what it would be like to live here.

Within a couple of days, I was in love. This was my favourite city in the world and I decided to call it my new home. The dots had connected.

Good luck to all of this year’s Rockstars. Work hard, be respectful, and remember this moment a few years from now when you are living the dreams you have right now. I’ll see you gentlemen in Stockholm.

Regards,

Jeremy Soul

Let your passions shine through

If you’re not living an interesting life, then it won’t matter how you present yourself to women over the long run. No matter what clothes you wear, how much money you have, or what car you drive, women will not want to spend time with you.

The best way to become an interesting person is to find your passion in life by living out your dreams. If you need inspiration, watch Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture” on YouTube, or pick up the book by the same name. Another great book to read if you feel like you haven’t done enough in your life is Yes Man by Danny Wallace. The hero of the story realizes one day how boring his life is and decides to say “Yes” to every opportunity that presents itself to him for a year. It’s an inspirational story and I think we can all learn from it.

Do something unexpected

When something unexpected happens to a person, they are more likely to remember it. Most people do not remember their commute to work on any given day. That’s because 90% of the time it’s always the same. However, if there was a big fire at a building you always pass on your commute, you can be sure that day’s commute will not be soon forgotten.

This is why when you read about the adventures of Love Systems dating coaches it seems like we often do or say such random things. Since it’s different, it catches people’s attention, and it’s memorable. However, doing something different does not necessarily mean doing something outlandish, and it definitely does not mean doing something weird (unless you really know what you’re doing).

Approaching a girl on the street to tell her that you really like her style and that you had to come over to find out some more about her is different. First, it’s different since she is not used to strangers approaching her in the street. Second, the approach method is different – instead of hooting and hollering you are being bold and direct, yet in a respectful manner. By becoming more memorable you’re inherently increasing your odds of success when you follow up.

Be Congruent

To have credibility with a woman (especially a beautiful woman that is choosy), you must be congruent. Being congruent means that you have behavior that is consistent with the identity you portray. If you display a particularly personality trait (for example, integrity), congruence requires that you act in a manner consistent for someone that has that trait. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Women are not stupid – they will notice if you act in an inconsistent manner, and it will severely damage your credibility with them. Do not try to be something you are not.

Jeremy Soul

Check out this FHM article for more Daytime Dating tips.

Jeremy Soul

FHM Studies the Science of Seduction with Professors Nick Savoy and Jeremy Soul

The major men’s magazine devles into the mysteries of the brain to find out what makes men and women tick. Along the way they get some help from Love Systems’ own Nick Savoy and Jeremy Soul.

No date this year? Time you brushed up on your “womenthink.” FHM’s graphical analysis shows you what your brain is doing and how you can use scientifically-proven techniques to increase your success with women.

1. Humour. FHM always plays hardball with women who claim to want a man with ‘a sense of humour’ and not money or killer abs. The truth is that girls are attracted to funny men – but not because underneath the endless feuds with work colleagues, chicks are all a good laugh really. “Being able to share laughter and induce it in others might seem frivolous, but it’s not,” says Nick Savoy of Love Systems dating. “It creates social bonds and triggers positive emotions.” Essentially, not only do funny men make women ‘feel good,’ they have that all-important social currency. Self-deprecating humour also implies status, as you’re confident enough to take the piss out of yourself.

2. Names. Having a conventional name helps women attract more men. Girls called Sarah, Emma, Lucy, Kate and Laura received disproportionately more attention on noted dating site mysinglefriend.com. So go for girls with crazy names – they’re grateful, like fat ones. The most popular men’s names with women are Ben, Ed, Mark, Tom and Chris. Which sounds like a university hockey team.

3. Height. For love to bloom, the ideal height of the male partner is four to five inches more than the female.

4. Intimacy/secrets. Says Jeremy Soul, also from Love Systems: “Be careful how much you share if you’re not looking for a partner. The emotional mechanism for falling in love involves revealing your feelings to each other. York-based psychologist Professor Arthur Arun conducted a study where he made complete strangers swap intimate details of their lives for 30 minutes. Many reported a strong attraction to each other afterwards and two even got married.”

5. Sex. And at last, science can make women into wanton lionesses begging for sex. Well, it can amplify the sensation in the G-spot. Knightsbridge Laser Clinic’s Doctor Eltohamy is championing a technique where she injects collagen into the ellusive magic button, enlarging it to the size of a fifty pence piece. 87% of hungry chicks who’ve had the op “reported increased sexual pleasure.”

One of the most powerful tools you have at your disposal to move along the Emotional Progression Model and seduce a women is storytelling. The power of stories is that they can help you in most areas of the Emotional Progression Model (i.e. Approaching, Attraction, Comfort, and even Qualification a little bit). Some stories can even achieve multiple aims at the same time (i.e. Approaching + Attraction, or Attraction + Comfort).

As discussed in Magic Bullets, building Attraction is primarily about having a woman discover your positive characteristics. One way to do this is for a woman to be told about them by you. Storytelling is great because it allows you to tell a woman almost anything you want about yourself. When building Comfort, storytelling can help build a meaningful connection with a woman. Stories provide a great opportunity for her to get to know you better and should encourage her to tell you about herself as well.

My preferred approach to story-telling comes from Magic Bullets, and has six distinct components: A hook line, The Flow (main content of the story), Embedded information, Opportunities for input, Open threads, and the Conclusion.

Hook Lines

One of the biggest mistakes men make is to take the interest of their audience for granted. To make sure that the woman you are talking to is interested in your story, you should start with a “hook line” to grab her interest. You have to find a way to create demand for your story. Before you tell someone something, they have to want to hear it if they are going to listen intently. The best way to gain someone’s interest is either by doing something unexpected, or by making them curious. The two are not mutually exclusive. Either way they will want to keep listening and/or interacting with you to find out where you are going with things. Basically, once you’re already in a conversation, try and create some curiosity within her before you tell a story. Make it your goal next time you go out to have a girl asking you to tell her a specific story that you have in mind.

Building curiosity could be as simple as asking “Have you ever been to Mexico?” before you tell a great story about the vacation you just had there. It’s also a great way of testing out the waters before focusing too much on a subject she has no interest in. If she answers “no, but I’ve always wanted to go to Cancun”, then you know you’ve hooked her. However, you know it’s best to save the story for another time if she says “I’ve never been to Mexico. I’m just not really interested in that part of the world.”

The Flow

Don’t spend a lot of time discussing the preamble to your story. You can work in necessary details as needed – you should parachute right into your story. The first mission of a good story is to grab attention (instead of giving background information).

Also, it’s important to remember that women listen differently than men. Don’t focus on the logical details unless they help you paint a vivid picture of the story in your audiences mind. Make your story one that is centered around emotions and feelings.

Embedded Information

Embedding is when you tell a story that appears to be about one subject to subtly tell listeners about something else. The “something else” is usually positive characteristics about yourself that you don’t want to bring up directly to avoid obvious bragging or the appearance of trying too hard to impress her.

For example, if you went to a prestigious college, you can embed that piece of information in a story about when you were in college. One way to do that would be by mentioning the location (i.e. if you set your story in New Haven most people will know you went to Yale). Another way to do it would be by mentioning a story about the college sports team you root for. That way the fact that you went to a top school naturally comes out in the conversation, and you don’t have to force it.

Opportunities for Input

The best stories involve their audience in the journey. It makes the interaction more of a dialogue than a monologue. Just be careful that the input a woman gives doesn’t take you somewhere you don’t want the conversation to go. The easiest way to get input is to ask a question. For example, if you’re talking about scuba diving, you should ask the woman you’re talking to if she scuba dives.

Conclusion

The ending of a good story doesn’t have to get everyone breaking out in laughter like the end of a classic Seinfeld episode. What’s important is that you clearly communicate that the story is over. As you develop your storytelling skills, then you can worry about ending on a humorous note, subtly working in a demonstration of high social value, or sharing a deep insight or lesson.

Other Tips

Use vivid language: Help your audience feel like they are there with you. Use sensory language to spark the visual part of your audiences mind. As Savoy says, you should be able to see, smell, feel, hear, and taste everything that you were sensing at that moment.

Tell stories you care about: How many of your stories are about things you really care about, know about, etc.? If you tell too many stories about things that are peripheral to who you are, then you are diluting your image, and worse, no one will care about them!

Loud, Slow, and Clear: Generally speaking, the best method of storytelling is speaking in a slow, measured pace. This allows you to tell your story clearly, and gives you ample opportunity to emphasize different parts of the story where appropriate. Speeding up a little, or speaking softly at certain points can add to the story… just make sure you aren’t doing it so often it becomes more the rule than the exception. Also, changing your tone when quoting another person from your story is often well received (especially when telling a funny story).

No one cares about all the big/fancy words you know: One of the biggest mistakes people make when talking is being too abstract. It’s hard for people to create a mental image of your story if they don’t understand what you’re saying, and/or you use too many abstract words.

Keep it focused: Try and stick to the rule of three (i.e. if you try to talk about more than three things at once you will end up talking about nothing, or at least your audience won’t remember any of it). If you’re all over the place with your story you’ll confuse your audience.

Other Resources: A great book that can help you with your storytelling is “Made to Stick” by Chip and Dan Heath. Also, if you want examples of great storytelling to look at, I would encourage you to read any of Malcolm Gladwell’s books, or to check out his New Yorker archive.

For hundreds of complete stories that the masters use, check out the Love Systems Routines Manual.

Any idea how girls feel about approaching guys? A journalist from SF Weekly covered my recent sold-out Day Game workshop in San Francisco, and proposed we turn the tables and look for girls who would be interested in some dating coaching. Starlight posted this blog about what we found out.

Jeremy Soul

Girl Game

So, last weekend Soul, Bonsai and I ran a sold-out Day Game workshop in San Francisco. SF Weekly sent out a camera crew and female reporter to cover the event, which was fun in the sense that sometimes girls would see the photographer’s lens poking out of the bushes while we were in set in Union Square!

Anyhow, after the event ended, over a few drinks, the reporter threw out the idea: “Hey, how about we put up a Twitter alert for 6 girls looking to improve their love lives with a few professional dating coaches?”

Hmm…coach girls on how to approach & open guys? Sounds fun. A whole new storyline for SF Weekly to play with. And the chance to put a lot of brainstorming with Soul and Whim to work.

So we showed up in the Marina at 8p to meet the 6 lucky ladies.

There was a tall blond personal trainer looking to meet potential mates outside of her profession, a twentysomething Asian advertising exec that just loathed being approached by guys…but yearned to meet new people and build connections in neutral territory before even broaching intimacy.

We sat outside under the clear night sky and heat lamps, getting a feel for all of there relationship lives of late. A lot of interesting stuff came up.

Turns out there are a lot of girls out there who are frustrated that guys don’t “do what they’re supposed to” when they give invitations to approach like smiling, looking at you or doing a double take.

So we decided to flip the script and have them open guys, riffing on the stereotype:

“Hey, so I know I’m supposed to stand over and smile at you until you come talk to me, but…I thought you looked cool, so I wanted to come say hi”

Guys jaws dropped, a couple thought they were kidding, but only ONE guy-set blew out our chics all night

Here is a mindmap that Soul & Whim created to map out Girl Game

Soul and I also got a chance to confirm some of the material that we teach:

* Female attraction works like a volume knob; it’s not just on/off like a light switch, and needs to be ramped up through a variety of emotions and intrigue.

* Girls do not get all dolled up just to go dance with their girl friends. They want to meet cool, interesting guys, but generally have come to despise being approached by guys who “just don’t get it” or are “sleezy and weird,” or perhaps worse of all: “guys that are just plain boring”

* That they are irresistibly (and sometimes unexplainably) attracted to guys that “just don’t give a fuck” or can be jerks sometimes…that aren’t afraid of what other people think. (I think this is because it’s a good counter-balance to female hyper-awareness of relative social value, and there place in the hierarchy)

An important takeaway of mine is summed up like this:

Read more of Starlight’s blog.